Before I give an instruction to a neurodivergent child I am coaching, there is a period of watching that I have come to treat as essential, not optional. What I am looking for is specific, even if it is hard to reduce to a checklist that would apply the same way to every child.
What I'm Actually Watching For
I watch where a child's attention is currently directed, and whether it is available to be redirected without causing distress. I watch their body, whether it looks tense, loose, restless, or still, because that tells me something about their current state before I ask anything of them. I watch whether they are seeking or avoiding sensory input, whether that is sound, touch, movement, or visual stimulation in the room.
I watch how they responded to whatever just happened, the transition into the session, a greeting, a change in the room, because a reaction to something small often tells me more about their current capacity than a direct question would. I watch whether eye contact is comfortable for them or effortful, and I do not treat the absence of eye contact as a problem to correct, just as information about how this child engages.
I watch what they gravitate toward without being asked. If a child picks up a specific piece of equipment unprompted, that tells me something about a possible entry point, the same way the resistance band told me something about that 16-year-old's needs in a session I still think about often.
Only Then Does the Instruction Come
Only after this observation do I decide whether an instruction is likely to work, what form it should take, whether it needs to be verbal at all, or whether a physical demonstration, an object, or simply more time without any instruction is the better next step.
I want to be clear this is not a formula I apply identically across children. What I watch for is consistent. What I conclude from the watching is specific to the child in front of me, that day, in that state. A child who was highly responsive to a verbal cue last week might need something different this week, and I would not know that without watching first rather than defaulting to whatever worked previously.
I think this order, watching before instructing, is the actual skill in this work, more than any single technique or exercise. Instructions and exercises are tools. Knowing which tool a specific child needs, in this specific moment, comes only from paying attention first — the same principle behind every session I run with neurodivergent clients.
